Tag Archives: family

Heart and Heartache: 2024

2024 was the best of years.  2024 was the worst of years.

Illness and death. Life and love. Suffocating darkness and breathtaking beauty.  

None of us will ever get over the loss of my sister-in-law Trayona, and quite frankly, I don’t think we should get over it.  She was extraordinary, and if it takes the grief of all of us to keep her memory alive in our lives, then so be it. 

My mother-in-law wore the worst of Trayona’s illness, but as I watched her give absolutely everything she was to Trayona these last two years – every last breath of her life – I was blessed to watch what the depths of love truly looks like. What it takes. What it gives. My mother-in-law poured out everything within her, and though it weakened her health and crushed her heart, watching that boundless love strengthened our whole family.

Love isn’t always warm fuzzies and flowers and foot massages and laughter and excitement for a better future with another.

But sometimes love IS about those things. Sometimes love is exciting yet peaceful, hopeful, right. This year, we got to experience that kind of love too.

2024 took Trayona from us, but it gave to us as well. Ben and Stefanie and Jo and Mason gifted our family beyond what we could have asked. God knew it would take the best of people to help mend our broken hearts, and with these four exceptional individuals, God showed off BIG TIME.  We have known Ben for over a decade. We have known Stefanie for a moment in time. Both became family right when we needed them most. I love Ben and Stefanie and their little ones like my own. [PLUS I FINALLY get to pretend I’m grandma to two fantastic lil munchkins. ‘DeeDee’ is a much better name for me than “grandma”, don’t cha think?]  

There were so many other blessings from 2024 too:

West and Opie found new purpose and great friends. Jay is growing into a good man and a kind person (though admittedly some ROCKY days spattered themselves across our calendar). Dante was gifted a tiny taste of being big-man-on-campus through a bit of football razzmatazz and a cute girlfriend.  Margo is still my miracle child, focused and determined to learn and grow and love.  And Luna? Well, we are struggling through some hard days right now, but she will never be able to climb giant mountains if she has no practice scaling the smaller ones. Plus, that little cutie is learning how weak we may be yet how strong God is.

The biggest lesson I learned this year was how powerful a mom’s prayers can be. I prayed and prayed and prayed for my children this year. I poured out my fears and my hopes into the heart of God like never before. God blessed my cries by removing obstacles, planting hope, gifting my kids with lessons learned, and showing up in miraculous ways in their lives. Oh, I realize my intercession didn’t make a single thing happen, but God allowed my pleas to entwine with His plan so that I could be a small part of His will in their lives. He listened to my cries for protection. He eased my worried heart. He answered my prayers. 

Our family entered 2024 knowing it was going to be a rough one, wondering if we would survive. I leave 2024 choosing to see the best – and worst of it – as a gift. Life will never be the same without Trayona, but quite frankly we hit the jackpot long ago by being able to call her ours in the first place.

2025 brings lots of unknowns like each new year does. Lots of hopes. Some nagging fears.  Only God knows the trials and the triumphs, the mountains and the valleys, the blessings and the uncertainties. People will stay, adding life and love to our world. People will go, leaving behind memories and lessons learned. Hopefully, we will choose to allow every moment to grow us into who we are supposed to be. 

Our one constant, the ONLY thing we can count on though, is that God was with us yesterday, He is with us today, and He is already waiting for us in our tomorrows, longing to help us conquer this thing we call life.

To you and yours, Happy New Year!

Happy Birthday to Me

Birthdays. I had one WAY back on Wednesday, December 13, 1967.  I hear it was pretty great, but I don’t remember much about it. 

When I was a little girl, I loved celebrating the anniversary of that day.  When I was a big girl, I loved it even more.  But this year, I dreaded it. A LOT.  I wasn’t anxious because I’m afraid of growing old. I was apprehensive because I was gifted a year that I didn’t deserve.

You see, my extraordinary sister-in-law was supposed to turn 57 in October, less than two months before I would, but it didn’t happen. She will never be 57. Twenty-two days before her 57th birthday, her body stopped dying and her heavenly life started. Her work on earth was done, and that beautiful, young soul is now ageless and celebrating EVERY day in Paradise.   

Because I tend to cling to limited, earth-blinders, I prepared for my 57th birthday to strangle me in a warped type of survivor’s guilt.  While Trayona was sick, I asked God numerous times if I could trade with her.  I know I’m loved and appreciated here on earth, but I’ll be honest: Most days I tend to barely survive rather than live vibrantly in my calling. On the contrary, Trayona lived well and spent every single day striving to mold herself into a better person. She deserved life so much more than most of us.

(To my concerned armchair therapist, I know truth. I trust God’s will. I love my people, and I know I am loved by lots of people, which I realize is a gift in itself. Moreover, I know Trayona is the real winner in all of this, and that trading with me would mean I would now be living in glory and she would still be fighting through this challenging existence on planet Earth. But unreasonable feelings are really hard to fight, aren’t they?)

I would love to tell you that a moment of revelation or a Bible verse shined brightly on my 57th birthday, morphing me into a much wiser person. That didn’t happen, but it was a nice day full of lots of love and affirmation, and when I laid my head on my pillow that night, I felt thankful. 

What does it mean to me to be granted one more year on planet Earth? It means my work isn’t done. It means I am still needed here and I still have things to do, people to love, and hope to spread. 

And apparently, you’re still here too, so guess what? You have things to do, people to love, and hope to spread.